Snow White Lysander & the 12 Girls
by chasingafterstarlight
Summary: Lysander has a high aim- to date 12 girls. What misadventures will he partake in when dating every Weasley girl and their friends? Multiple pairings, Humor & Parody


**Snow White Lysander & the 12 Girls**

_LysanderMerilyn, LysanderElinor, LysanderLily, LysanderMolly, LysanderRoxanne, LysanderDominique, LysanderNatalie, LysanderRose, LysanderElly, LysanderMary Alice, LysanderLucy, LysanderVictoire_

**one.**

The first girl that he thought he fell in love with was a girl named Merilyn. She would walk down the hall, flipping her brown hair, and he would nearly drool all over his shoes. Everyone else thought he acted a bit stupid, but hey, this was _love_ in his opinion, and no way was he giving it up.

Though everyone in the school thought it a bit weird, he actually stalked her one time. He followed her to the gate, and then he gave up, walking back to his house like a wounded puppy dog.

One day, being the coward he was, he _asked her out_ over owls. For whatever reason, she accepted, and they went on one date.

The whole date, he just stared at her, being the boring boy that he was. He had nothing to say, considering his head was full of hot air… and covered with long hair.

"Lysander!" Merilyn snapped once, crossing her arms.

"Huh?" He shook his head, surprised.

"Don't you have anything of interest to say at all?" Merilyn hissed, scowling at him like he was something she'd found on the bottom of her shoe, like he was some vermin.

"I suppose not," Lysander said, staring at her. _Look at her hair… it's so pretty_…

"You're so boring," Merilyn said, frowning at him. "Oh man, if you're this boring, I don't think we should go out anymore."

"Why not?" Lysander asked, his eyes filling with something like tears.

Raising her eyebrow, she said, "Have you ever stalked anyone?"

When he blushed and began to stammer, she rolled her eyes. With a toss of her hair, she just walked off. "Yeah, maybe we can go out once you stop being a creepy stalker."

He just watched her with shiny eyes as she walked away.

**two.**

The next girl he liked… well, he didn't really like her. She was pretty much obsessed with him, wanting to be with him all of the time, and touching him all the time. Her name? Well, let's just say it was Elinor.

Though he didn't think of her that way too often, she was quite pretty and a _girl_, so who was he to say no? He would just smile mysteriously and allow her to hit him, stroke his arm and all sorts of weird stuff, as if it were normal.

"LYSANDER!" She would yell whenever he came into the room, flinging herself at him. "LYSANDER, GIVE ME A DRINK!"

Since he didn't want to be rude, he would hand over his drink, and wince as she placed her lips over the opening to the drink, spreading her germs like they were _kissing_ or something. Which he really didn't want to do with anyone.

Then one day, when she walked with him to the Quidditch pitch, she leaned over close to him and whispered, "I think you are maybe not bad."

"Um, thanks," He replied, being the thick boy that he always was.

Suddenly, she leaned in so that her lips were approximately three inches away from him. On impulse, he jumped back, screaming at the top of his lungs, "DON'T TAKE MY PANTS OFF!"

"I was going to k_ees_ you," Elinor replied, obviously unhappy with this outcome. "Ah na, that guy."

Lorcan, who was walking up ahead, turned around, grinning evilly. "Ooh, Lysander, what's going on back there? Someone taking your pants off? I'm gonna tell Mommy, widdle ickle Lysander."

He blushed, his face the colour of Elinor's tomato red short-shorts. "I… she… NO ONE'S TAKING MY PANTS OFF, OKAY, LORCAN?"

Lorcan and the other immature boys roared in laughter as Lysander ran away, his face still red as a tomato.

Needless to say, Lysander did not attend Quidditch practice that day, and his 'relationship' with Elinor didn't last long after that.

**three.**

Then there was the next girl, Lily, who was a lot like him. Once, he decided to take her out for milk tea, just to see where things led. She screamed like a girl, which, admittedly, hurt his ears, but he pretended he didn't care and just held his ears, trying not to laugh at her.

"Can we just go then?" She asked impatiently.

Once they got there, Lysander tried to ignore the catcalls from his brother and the other high school boys, adamantly leading her to the counter. She tried to pay, but he paid instead, causing her eyes to shine with adoration.

Groaning, he sits at the booth, burying his flaming face in his head. Carefully, she inquires, "Something wrong, Lysander?"

"Yes, I mean, no, I mean… _ugh_!" He groaned. "It's just my stupid brother and his- _my_- stupid friends that think I'm a playboy."

"Well, aren't you?" She inquired cautiously. "And ignore them. Who cares what they think, as long as we can be together?"

His eyes widened. "Um, yeah, sure…"

After that comment, he sort of broke up with her. Well, just to put it in no uncertain terms- they didn't go on any more dates. He felt bad for hurting her, but that was just the way things went.

**four.**

After those disastrous relationships, he decided that he needed safety, and he found that in Roxanne. She was nice, and pretty, and everything he needs. But little did he know that she found him a stupid loser, unlike the rest of the girls.

"You look nice today, Roxanne," he greeted her one day.

She rolled her brown eyes. "What's up with you? Gotten meningitis again or something? Mono this time from all the girls you've been dating?"

"What's with _you_? You're usually very kind," Lysander observed, staring at her.

She just glared at him, her blue eyes flickering as if she was wondering if she'd hurt him, because she did _care _quite a lot, even for him. "You hurt Lily, and she's one of my little cousins. Do you think that I'm going to let that pass by? And _now_ you're trying to hit on me?"

"Am I?" He grins. "Do you really believe that I am? Because, you're really pretty…"

Her eyes widened and she screamed that weird scream of hers. Blushing, she said, "Um, Elly squeezed my side."

Elly popped out from behind Roxanne, shooting Lysander a sheepish wave. "Hello, Lee-sander!"

"Hello, Ch-oanna," He replied, pleased with himself for his _hilarious_ joke. "So, Roxanne, want to go out?"

"NO!" She shrieked, and this time, it wasn't because of Elly- Elly was laughing hard behind Roxanne.

"How could you not like me?" Lysander asked, flipping his brown hair so that it landed in his eyes like some sort of Muggle teen heartthrob.

Roxanne just glared at him. "I don't like Muggle celebrities, Lysander." And with that, she walked off.

**five.**

Mary Alice Finnigan was the next girl on his list that he kept pinned up to the door of his dorm room. Though he towered over her by nearly a metre, she was pretty, and she was funny too.

One day, he walked over to her, trying to act all suave. He ended up tripping over his shoelace and falling right in front of her.

"Falling for me already, are you, Lysander?" She giggled, her cheeks a bit pink.

"Do you like me?" Lysander asked hopefully, staring at her.

She tapped her chin. "Maybe, depends on whether you like me or not." Too bad he didn't notice her staring wistfully at James.

"I DO!" He shouted, trying not to attract attention, though he knew that girls flocked to him like a bee to honey. "I mean, yeah, I do, what does that mean?"

"Maybe I'll like you too," Mary Alice responded, grinning at the younger boy. Then she slipped her arm through his, beaming widely at James whose jaw had nearly hit the floor when he saw the two of them. "I suppose I'll have to, anyway, but would you _please_ stop wearing those ugly dress robes? They make you look a bit ugly."

"Hey!" He protested, a bit hurt. "My dress robes are awesome. My grandfather gave them to me!"

She snorted before dragging him off. "Come on, let's go walk by James's classroom."

In the end, he broke up with her because all she wanted to talk about was _James_, _cute boys, _and _fashion, _not to mention her constant ranting about Spain. She would even tell her which boys were cute and which were not during their _'relationship'_- and he wasn't even on the cute list!

And two weeks after their relationship ended, she and James made it official.

**six. **

After Mary Alice and Lysander broke up, Dominique and Mary Alice got in some huge blow up. That was when Dominique started to stare at him, like, all the time. It wasn't her usual zone out face. She looked dreamy, to say the least, sort of like he was the best looking guy that she had ever seen.

At first, he tried the usual Scamander approach… avoidance. He tried to avoid the girl at all costs. But she seemed to always be there.

So he talked to her. He just walked up and said, "Hey, how's it going?"

"Hey. Do you want to go out sometime?" She said, bluntly and as quick as she could. But hey, he had realised by now that that was just _Dominique._

"Um," He had to stop and think. He'd had some sort of relationship with five girls already, so the boys were starting to call him a playboy, but hey, Roxanne didn't really count… did she? He just sighed and replied, "Sure."

"Great," Dominique smiled evilly. "Well, actually, I'm going to tell you the truth. I'm only doing this to make Mary Alice jealous. I mean, what she did was stupid- using you to make James jealous- so why not do the same thing?"

"That's what you're fighting about? Me?" Lysander asked, surprised.

"No, of course not, stupid boy!" Dominique exclaimed, turning at least five of the high school boys to turn around and stare at them, laughing. "But I could use that as ammunition, y'see?"

They barely lasted five weeks before Dominique went insane because Lysander was so _boring_ and _not cute_ and not anything that Dominique wanted, either.

But he picked himself up and kept going, anyway.

**seven.**

Rose was never a girl to be messed with, he knew that for sure. She would walk down the hall, books in hand, looking as if she knew everything. Which at the time, he thought she did. And he needed someone mature to tone down his… well… _immaturity_, to say the least.

So when he asked her out, she just stared at him and _laughed. _She _laughed._

"What?" He asked, quite insulted. "You don't want to?"

"Why are you asking _me_?" Rose replied, crossing her arms. "What about all of my other cousins? They are more… well… _social,_ yeah? I am just a bit… studious."

"Yeah, but that can be a good thing," He informed her. So she accepted and they started to go out.

Their relationship consisted of him asking her for homework… and yeah, him asking her for homework, that was it. As time went on, her responses got more and more snappy. Finally, she just asked him, "_Can't you ever just do your own homework?"_ on a note that they'd written

_THOT THAT U WULD WANT 2 HELP UR OWN BOYFREND_, he wrote back, feeling a bit confused. Why was she so unhappy with him now?

_Well, you ask me only about homework, is that really a boyfriend?_ She responded. _It doesn't really seem like we're going out…_

Unhappy, Lysander wrote back, _FINE THEN, U BIG LUZER. MAYB WE CAN JUST END STUFFS. _

_Not to mention you have horrible grammar, so fine_, Rose replied quickly, and then she tore up the note and threw it in the trash

He resisted the urge to bang his head on the desk. Well, there went another one.

**eight.**

Eight had always been a favourite number of Lysander's, though there was no reasoning behind it at all. Plus he couldn't forget it _(Lorcan was always teasing him about it_), he was then on number eight. So this girl had to be _amazing_.

Yeah, that didn't always work out.

Especially when the next girl to show an interest in him was _Victoire._

She started to hit him on the bottom, even before he sort of dated her. Then she would just laugh about it.

But the only reason he even really considered her was Teddy. Teddy told him one day, in a tone that sounded a bit jealous, "You know, Lysander, I think maybe Victoire is a bit interested in you."

"Interested?" Lysander nearly choked on the milk tea he was gulping down. "How could _she_ be interested in me?"

"I know she is older but maybe you could give her a chance," Teddy said quietly to his friend. Patting him on the back, he stood up, saying something about, "Ah man, that girl, she really likes little boys."

So he went up to Victoire and asked her point-blank, "Do you like me?"

"Why you think so, _man_?" Victoire asked, putting one hand on her hip and frowning. "Who said that to you? Aw, you guys think I really think of you that way, do you?"

Mustering up all of his collected courage, he replied, "Actually, Victoire, I think you do. I mean, you hit my bottom."

"I do that to everyone, Lysander!" She informed him, looking much too young for her nearly eighteen years. "Do you think I am interested in you? Teddy just wants to make me jealous!"

"Oh," Lysander responded, feeling his heart fall just a little bit, probably because he'd hoped for the best with this one. "You two would be cute together, yeah, wish you the best of luck."

She just shrugged. "Sorry, Lysander, I am not that kind of girl! I will go find TEDDY!"

He just stood, staring after her, wondering what happened to his eighth girl as she went to find his older friend. When he asked Teddy later, Teddy just laughed. "You really think Victoire is interested in you?"

He laughed too, realising his stupidity. _Oh,_ _man._

**nine.**

One day when Lysander woke up, he realised that there were only twelve girls that were okay at Hogwarts and he'd been associated with eight of them so far. Laughing to himself, he quickly got ready for the day. But of course, Lorcan had to ruin that.

"Hey, Lysander!" He ruffled his brother's hair. "Just thought I'd let you know I took the last of the best cereal. Oh, and you might want to watch out for some certain people today… you might not want to leave your owl lying around anymore, yeah?"

Laughing, Lorcan dashed out the door before Lysander could even say a thing. That's when the plan hatched in his head.

Dating a new girl wasn't really a big deal to him anymore, and neither was an interest in a _girl he'd never considered before._ And believe me, this girl was much unconsidered- she was Lorcan's crush, to be exact, and that was exactly what he needed her for.

Once they got to the school, he made sure that Lorcan was watching as he sauntered up to Lucy. "Hello, Lucy, how's it going?"

"Okay!" She said brightly, but she still looked suspicious. "What are you doing, Lysander?" She whispered to him.

"Can you help me with something?" He hissed into her ear. "You know that Lorcan's standing right here, can I make him jealous?"

"Why?" She said suspiciously. "And why he get jealous?"

"He likes you, obviously!" Lysander whispered. A suspicious Lorcan was starting to come up to them, so on impulse, Lysander pulled Lucy into a hug. From behind him, Lysander noticed the confused expression on Lorcan's face before the older brother burst into a roar of laughter.

"Nice try, Lysander," Lorcan whispered to his younger brother as he walked off. "But you know, I've moved on from Lucy now, so you're going to have to try again, little brother."

Groaning, Lysander resisted the urge to bang his head against the wall.

Girl number 9 equals failure, too.

**ten.**

One day, when he was walking down the hall, Elly randomly ran at him. "Lee-sander!"

"Hello, Elly," He greeted the girl. "Something wrong?"

"WRONG?" Elly echoed. "I would like to see you. Very important thing to ask you, you know. I have very secret plan."

"What, you're going to ask me for food?" Lysander asked obliviously, following the funny girl over to a corner of the hallway.

Beaming, Elly shook her head. She then leaned over so that she was about a few centimetres from his ear before she whispered, "Lee-sander, I am not happy with Lily and Molly right now. So can you help me make them angry?"

"What would I do that would make them angry?" Lysander asked, obviously clueless and confused.

"Date me!" Elly squealed. "You know they really like you, and then they go crazy!"

He just cocked an eyebrow, still wondering. "Why would I help you?"

"Because we are friend and you are not friend with those guys," Elly said, flipping her hair.

"Who says?" Lysander replied, irritated with her already. "We are friends- me and those guys, and huh, I'd ask you to stay out of that stuff…"

"Fine, I break up with you," Elly said, scowling at him like he'd just committed some type of sin. "We are done."

And as she stormed away, he had to laugh.

**eleven.**

The eleventh time was the charm, that was what Lysander told himself. After hearing what Elly said about Molly liking him, he'd started to notice her more and more. It was quite the weird sensation, but hey, she seemed to be equally as… _interested_.

It was one day when he decided to just go for it. "Hey, want to go out with me?"

"What the heck are you on about, Scamander?" She asked, but her face was turning red and he took that as a good sign. "Is this some sort of prank?"

"No," He said honestly, smiling at the expression of bliss that popped up on her face.

"Well, then, sure," She said. And staring at him with this weird expression on her face that he'd never seen before, she spun on her heel and walked away, red curls floating behind her.

He just grinned. _Eleventh time's the charm._

Well, he grinned until he turned around and saw the other ten girls, all shooting glares at him. Then he turned on his heel and ran away after Molly.

Because he wasn't about to _die_ when he might've gotten something right for once…

**twelve.**

Everything was going perfect in his relationship, and for some reason, that bothered him. So for whatever reason, he walked up to Natalie one day.

"Hey, Natalie," He greeted the girl.

She turned to him, confused. "Lysander. What do you want?"

"My life is too perfect," He complained, leaning against the wall.

"That's so bad," Natalie replied sarcastically. "Seriously, dude, _why_ are you telling me this?"

"I don't know, it's getting boring," He said with a shrug. "I want something to, you know, _spice up my life."_

"Right," Natalie looked scared and she backed up a few steps. "Because when your life is going perfect, you_ want_ something to spice it up."

"Exactly!" Lysander exclaimed. Then he took a step forward so that he was even closer to her. "Can you help me?"

"Help you with what?" Natalie asked, suspicion the dominant emotion in her voice as she stared at him.

"This," He said, and then he leaned in, getting close to her face…

She slapped him. "WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING, SCAMANDER? YOU WANT TO CHEAT ON MY FRIEND WITH _ME_? NO WAY, I'M NOT SPICING UP YOUR STUPID LIFE FOR YOU, FIRST YOU NEED TO GO GET A LIFE."

He jumped back, surprised. Behind Natalie stood all of the other girls- all twelve of the girls he had dated in the past. And not one of them looked happy. Yelping in surprise, Lysander took off running.

…

"Mom," He asked once he got home, "Can I transfer to Pigfarts?"

So he did. Lysander transferred to Pigfarts, where there were hundreds of girls that he hadn't dated. His cycle began again.

**A/N: WOW. THAT WAS RANDOM.**

**BUT I STILL LOVE LYSANDER.**

**AND I **_**DON'T **_**KNOW WHAT THIS IS. O.o.**

**Sorry.**

**Read and review?**


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